Bonger

You can be the man of your house The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.' He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? The wife replied, 'The funeral director'!

Breast Augmentation A wife had begun thinking about the size of her breasts. Everytime she saw herself in the mirror, she would wonder what it would be like having larger breasts, and if she should do it. One day, after convincing herself she really wanted to do it, she confronted her husband with the idea to get his opinion. She was sure that he would like the idea, but she was concerned about the expense. When she confronted him with her idea and her concern, he provided an alternative solution. "Take some toilet paper and rub it between your breasts several times a day. It will take longer, but they will surely grow much larger." She looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. "Are you crazy? How could that possibly work?" He shrugged, nonplussed. "Dunno, but it worked on your ass."

The Nun A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,â€

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1) A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

Am I missing somthing here? Just dense or something? None of the bands & songs here seem to meet the criteria stated. "Z"Z-Top.....La Grang"e"

Why Computers are Female 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate to other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as male. 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Drinking Difficulties THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in a parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

We ALL know that most of the best music ever came from the 70's & 80's ! Post up a band name followed by a song by the band. The band's name must start with the last letter of the song name. ============ ZZ Top - La Grange Rumour spreadin' a-'round in that Texas town 'bout that shack outside La Grange and you know what I'm talkin' about. Just let me know if you wanna go to that home out on the range. They gotta lotta nice girls ah. Have mercy. A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw. A haw, haw, haw. Well, I hear it's fine if you got the time and the ten to get yourself in. A hmm, hmm. And I hear it's tight most ev'ry night, but now I might be mistaken. hmm, hmm, hmm. Ah have mercy. - Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill & Frank Beard

Lawyer Joke A very wealthy man lay on his death bed. His doctor, priest, and lawyer were at his side. "My dying wish," he gasped, "is for you...to split my money...in thirds. As they lower...my casket...each of you take...a third and throw it...into the grave." The fateful day came. As the man's casket was lowered into the ground, the doctor took a large bag and dumped its contents. Thousands of loose bills fluttered down into the grave. The priest hefted his bag and did the same. The lawyer stepped up and threw in a thin, sealed envelope. Later, during the wake, the three found themselves together, discussing the old man. It was evident that something was bothering the priest. His conscience finally getting the better of him, he confessed to the others. "I must tell you." he began. "I could not bear the thought of all that money going to waste, so I kept some of it and gave it to an orphanage." The doctor looked relieved at hearing this. "You're not the only one. I took some and donated it to the childrens' hospital." The lawyer was clearly disgusted at them both. "Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves," he admonished them haughtily. "I wrote him a check of the full amount."

Political Wit and Observations "If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." Mark Twain Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866 ) Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. Unknown The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. Mark Twain What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is srong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

Potty Humor? I was barely sitting down in an airport bathroom when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!' And the other person said: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At this point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I said: 'Uhhh, like you, I'm just traveling!' At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him: 'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!' Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions'

5 minute management course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull #%$! might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who #%$! on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of #%$! is your

'Tea' with Daddy - ahhhh those great memories!!! One day a mother was out and the father was home looking after the kids. Their daughter was maybe 1 and a half years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys. The father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and the brother was playing nearby in the living room when the daughter brought her Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, the mother came home. The father made the mother wait in the living room to watch the daughter bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' The mother waited, and sure enough, here the daughter would come down the hall with a cup of tea for her father and the mother watched him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??' bOnGeR

INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! And the moral is... You can't kill two birds with one stone!! bOnGeR

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." bOnGeR

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,â€

Always check your children's homework.......... http://colossus.mu.nu/check-kids-hw.jpg

The Mole Family A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... MOLASSES !! bOnGeR

What is a 710?

KILROY WAS HERE! In 1946 the American Transit Association, through its radio program, "Speak to America," sponsored a nationwide contest to find the REAL Kilroy, offering a prize of a real trolley car to the person who could prove himself to be the genuine article. Almost 40 men stepped forward to make that claim, but only James Kilroy from Halifax, Massachusetts had evidence of his identity. Kilroy was a 46-year old shipyard worker during the war. He worked as a checker at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy. His job was to go around and check on the number of rivets completed. Riveters were on piecework and got paid by the rivet. Kilroy would count a block of rivets and put a check mark in semi- waxed lumber chalk, so the rivets wouldn't be counted twice. When Kilroy went off duty, the riveters would erase the mark. Later on, an off-shift inspector would come through and count the rivets a second time, resulting in double pay for the riveters. One day Kilroy's boss called him into his office. The foreman was upset about all the wages being paid to riveters, and asked him to investigate. It was then that he realized what had been going on. The tight spaces he had to crawl in to check the rivets didn't lend themselves to lugging around a paint can and brush, so Kilroy decided to stick with the waxy chalk. He continued to put his checkmark on each job he inspected, but added KILROY WAS HERE in king-sized letters next to the check, and eventually added the sketch of the chap with the long nose peering over the fence and that became part of the Kilroy message. Once he did that, the riveters stopped trying to wipe away his marks. Ordinarily the rivets and chalk marks would have been covered up with paint. With war on, however, ships were leaving the Quincy Yard so fast that there wa sn't time to paint them. As a result, Kilroy's inspection "trademark" was seen by thousands of servicemen who boarded the troopships the yard produced. His message apparently rang a bell with the servicemen, because they picked it up and spread it all over Europe and the South Pacific. Before the war's end, "Kilroy" had been here, there, and everywhere on the long haul to Berlin and Tokyo. To the unfortunate troops outbound in those ships, however, he was a complete mystery; all they knew for sure was that some jerk named Kilroy had "been there first." As a joke, U.S. servicemen began placing the graffiti wherever they landed, claiming it was already there when they arrived. Kilroy became the U.S. super-GI who had always "already been" wherever GIs went. It became a challenge to place the logo in the most unlikely places imaginable (it is said to be atop Mt. Everest, the Statue of Liberty, the underside of the Arch De Triumphe, and even scrawled in the dust on the moon.) And as the war went on, the legend grew. Underwater demolition teams routinely sneaked ashore on Japanese-held islands in the Pacific to map the terrain for the coming invasions by U.S. troops (and thus, presumably, were the first GI's there). On one occasion, however, they reported seeing enemy troops painting over the Kilroy logo! In 1945, an outhouse was built for the exclusive use of Roosvelt, Stalin, and Churchill at the Potsdam conference. The first person inside was Stalin, who emerged and asked his aide (in Russian), "Who is Kilroy?". To help prove his authenticity in 1946, James Kilroy brought along officials from the shipyard and some of the riveters. He won the trolley car, which he gave it to his nine children as a Christmas gift and set it up as a playhouse in the Kilroy front yard in Halifax, Massachusetts. I always wondered were that came from. Bonger

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing just one letter, and supply a new definition, thus creating a new word, or...neologism. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.):

I too am looking toward the release of BOB, Knights of the Sky. Can't think of any other games other than EA Sport's NASCAR 09 for the PS3. Not a fan of this years COD4 with it's modern warefare theme, so it's parked and am back to playing WWII on COD2 full tilt with the 509th clan on their one Sniper & two Tacticle servers. The Tacticle servers have maps such as Capture the Flag, Headquarters, Deathmatch, Domination and V.I.P. Alot of great players and they strickly enforce no run & gun to keep the Tacticle theme enjoyable. Bonger

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

~S~ Steve I have bigger Monitor issues. Mine is about 4'-8" and asked me every time she walks in the room "when are you going to get off the computer"!! Return when you can! Bonger

The Burglar A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, And when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, A strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, Promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on And began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, Looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came upon a parot in a cage. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."