Bonger

Man..... like some....it's has been awhile for sure........ I am so saddened to read the news of Jim's condition. Jim, I would first like to take this time to apologize to you and the rest of the Danger Dogs on my disappearance from the Squadron for nearly 2 years now. And most importantly I must thank you m8 from the bottom of my heart for letting this 1st time newbie join the DD under your wing during a SEOW campaign as your top turret gunner in a bomberand later on as your tail gunner in a IL2 with us as usual flying slow and low this was a baptism of fire I will never forget. Your one of a kind laugh and your endless patience we all witnessed during your loading of a dozen or so players on the many, many server hostings, your late night kind hearted expertise spent helping me tweak my graphics card and the land clearing stories you told us all on TS are few of the many things I am grateful for in having the pleasure in knowing you as the great person that you are. And with all that being said, I'm DAMN SURE by NOW you and Helen are cutting a well manicured lawn from Ottawa to the shores of Nova Scotia by now.... I salute you Blairgowrie! Peace my friend, Tim aka Quick Draw "Bonger" McGraw

Three Women on a Hike Three women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! .. God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second woman prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs, she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof! .. She was turned into a man. He checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Three Men on a Boat Three Men on a Boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How do they manage to smoke? They threw one cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Before and After Marriage Before - Passion. After - Ration. Before - Don't stop. After - Don't start. Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month. Before - Saturday Night Fever. After - Monday Night Football. Before - Idol. After - Idle. Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks. Before - Is that all you are having ? After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey. Before - We agree on everything. After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own ? Before - He is completely lost without me. After - Why won't he ever ask for directions ? Before - You look so seductive in black. After - Your clothes are so depressing. Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - I ca'n hardly believe we found each other. After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you. Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation. After - She calls me a controlling, manipulative egomaniacal plick. Before - Once upon a time. After - The end. .....such is life.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire? " had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or (D) the vulture?" The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .... blonde. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded hesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is .... absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire! " Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks..!!!"

Hollywood Squares: If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they Are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course... Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

A gallery of some pretty funny military themed pictures: http://www.docstoc.com/docs/1018676/Military-Humor Pictures & Posters from WWI: http://www.docstoc.com/docs/412976/Phot ... orld-War-I

Tree of Life Moses was stumbling down the mountain carrying heavy stone tablets. He stopped halfway down, turned around and went back up again. As he approached the tree of life.........he said... '' Sorry to bother you Lord,...but....just let me get one thing straight.'' '' The Arabs get all the oil and we get to cut off our what ?? ''

What they Actualy Mean DEPRESSION :........it is merely anger without enthusiasm. AMBITION :............a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. BEAUTY :..............it is only in the eye of the beer holder. LOVE :..................a bankers invention to keep you in debt for life.

Apple Announcement Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Pirate & the Sailor A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks 'So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?' The pirate replies 'We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.' 'Wow!' said the sailor. 'What about your hook'? 'Well', replied the pirate, 'We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other pirates with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.' 'Incredible!' remarked the sailor. 'How did you get the eye patch'? 'A seagull crapped in me eye.', replied the pirate. 'You lost your eye to bit of gull crap?' the sailor asked . 'Well', said the pirate, 'it was my first day with the hook.'

Drivers Test A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

QUESTIONS If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?

Marriage made in heaven A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read: WANTED: HUSBAND! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME.MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she openedthe door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you - you have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, " Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?? "The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

A trip to Cabelas A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

Retirement Social Security application After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

21 reasons why English is a pain in the arse! 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when does are present. 15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18. After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Pink Weenie A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.' After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky t-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no african-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

READINGS FROM THE BOOK OF CORPORATE LIFE 1. In the begining, there was...the Plan. 2. And then came the Assumptions. 3. And the Assumptions were without form. 4. And the Plan was without Substance. 5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. 6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, ...'It is a crock of shit and it stinks.' 7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisor and said, ...'It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell.' 8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, ...'It is a container of of organic waste, and it is very strong, ...such that none may abide by it.' 9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,'It is a ...vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strenght.' 10 And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, ...'It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.' 11 And the directors went to the Vice President, saying unto him, ...'It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.' 12 And the Vice President went to the President, saying unto him, ...'It has very powerful effects.' 13 And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. 14 And the Plan became policy. 15 AND THAT IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS. AMEN.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ / AFGHANISTAN / MIDDLE EAST Things to do for a smooth transition, once when you find out you are deploying: 1. Sleep on a cot in the garage. 2. Replace the garage door with a curtain. 3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, Sorry, wrong cot. 4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave 2 to 3 sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. 5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off. 6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head. 7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on HIGH for that tactical generator smell. 8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. 9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level. 10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbors house. Laugh at him when he curses you. 12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub. 13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker. 14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal. 15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose. 16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together again. 17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. 18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them. 19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books. 20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them. 21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight. 22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to have gas, just in case. Every time. 23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, Sorry it's for the other Smith. 24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week. 25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them. 26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria. 27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter. 28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance. 29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation. 30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding. 31. Fire off 50 Cherry Bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 AM. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows. 32. Drink your milk and sodas warm. 33. When people put their hand on your shoulder and say, Welcome back from (Bosnia Iraq, Afghanistan, etc.). Was it bad over there?Reply by pointing at them and yelling, Bad touch! Bad touch! 34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come inside. 35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the back yard. Complain that the 4 x 4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it. 36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator. 37. When your 5-year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum. 38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbors back yard. 39. Play horseshoes when you are not working. 40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another 6 months to simulate the next deployment you've just been ordered to support.

Marines and the Navy Why does the Navy have Marines onboard their ships??? 'Cause Sheep are obvious.....

Leyte during World War II Although the region was secure, sometimes the enemy tried to infiltrate our food-storage area. One such adversary, dressed in GI clothing, once worked himself into the noontime chow line. Our camp cook spotted him, reached under the serving table for his pistol and yelled for the MPs who were patrolling the area. After it was all over, we asked the cook how he knew the man was an enemy soldier. "I figured it wasn't one of you guys," he said, " 'cause he was coming back for seconds."

Nazi Interrogation During WWII, a Brit, a Frenchman and a GI were captured by the Nazis. They were taken for interrogation. The Nazi interrogator approached the Brit and told him, "I vant you to make like a clock." The surprised Brit says, "Tick-tock, mate." The Nazi tells his Sgt., "Put him in zee cooler." The Nazi then told the Frenchman, "I vant you to make like a clock." The Frenchman says, "Teek-tock." The Nazi tells his Sgt., "Put him in zee cooler." The Nazi then tells the GI, "I vant you to make like a clock." The GI says, "Tick." The Nazi says a little more forcefully, "I said I vant you to make like a clock." The GI says, "Tick." Now the Nazi is angry and yells, "I told you, I vant you to make like a clock!" The GI calmly replies again, "Tick." The Nazi takes a step back, looks at the GI and says, "Very vell, ve haf vays of making you tock."

And God Created Women......... First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then He said to Himself, "There's something he's needin'". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, Rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then He added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.

Midget Fortuneteller Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law? A: A small medium at large.