Bonger

Anger management Husband: " When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?" Wife: "I clean the toilet bowl." Husband: "How does that help?" Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

Computer Problem I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of keys and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a "minimum service call". As he was walking away, I called after him, "So what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired "An ID ten T error ?" What's that?---"in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned,....."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No I replied." "Write it down," he said, "and you'll figure it out." So I wrote it down................... I D 1 O T I use to like Harold.

WOMEN ARE LIKE...... ...the stock market They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful. ...computers They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one. ...Saran Wrap Useful but clingy. ...horses Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after. ...parking meters If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences. ...fax machines Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights. ...political campaign contributors If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them. ...refrigerators They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one. ...blue jeans They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced. ...country western songs They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

FRED A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what? The officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with I disagreeistant and she gave me VD." "So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

Cleanin' Chickens "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!" Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears of what he might say. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shotgun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!" "Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck that cold nose in right in the crack of Daddy's butt! "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie At 4 ! a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie

Happy Birthday M8! Bonger

First Time Sex A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

Ran Out of Gas A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. "The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

MAKE A WORD GAME Take the LAST 2 letters of the word that is posted at the bottom of this post and post a word that STARTS with those 2 letters. Example: Sandwich Cheese ------------------------------- Let's start with:

Need to travel incognito ?? ................ http://www.frederiksamuel.com/blog/imag ... lasses.jpg

CAMPFIRE COWBOYS THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH EACH IS FAMOUS, IT IS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES........ THE COWBOY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH." THE COWBOY FROM TEXAS COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED....... THAT'S NOTHING, "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE." THE COWBOY FROM ALBERTA REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There is a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it". "It takes ten seconds and costs like ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So once at home, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for a urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe then hurries back to Wal-Mart before they closed, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender... *Ziploc Bags are Male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. *Copiers are Female because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. *A Tire is Male because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. *Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. *A Hot Air Balloon is Male because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. *A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on. *A Subway is Male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. *An Hourglass is Female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. *A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. *A Remote Control is Female Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

DEAR HUSBAND / WIFE

A Monkey Joke A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

Thought for the day: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

Home Remedies 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer. 5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache. 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape. 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Cheap labor March 9, 1836 On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up, walked from his bunk to kitchen house on the floor of the Alamo for a quick bite to eat. Once he was done, he went on up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Crockett turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we pouring concrete today?"

Computer Dependency This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Look down, not scroll down, dummy!

Why you never question a drunk This woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." she was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Pigs A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant . If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon."

California Subject: 1850 Do you know what happened in 1850, 157 years ago? a.. California became a state. b.. The State had no electricity. c.. The State had no money. d.. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. e.. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands

Horseback riding A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Frank, the Walmart greeter, rushes over and unplugs the horse.