Bonger

Dark Secret At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truthâ€

Paradox of Men If you can’t go down on them, you’re not a good partner. If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how. If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them. If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework. If they want sex, they won’t let you sleep. If you want sex, they won’t wake up. If you choose an article of clothing that they don’t like, you don’t care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want. If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don’t like their friends. Isn't it the truth!!!

Bob's Morning Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,â€

A Natural Blind A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?â€

Logic & the Engnlish Language Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let’s face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn’t the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn’t a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation It ends.

The Barber A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?â€

The Bank Robbery A man walks into a bank and gets into the line to one of the tellers. After a few minutes, he arrives at the teller window where he proceeds to draw out a gun and demands to the teller to give him all the money from her drawer... After the teller gives him the money, he says to the teller that he can not have any witnesses and asks her ' Did you see me rob this bank? ' The teller said ' Yes, I did see you rob this bank! ' at which point the man shoots the teller... He then turns around to the man in line behind him and again asks the same question... 'Did you see me rob this bank ? ' The man said to him ' Yes, I did see you rob this bank! ' and again the man raises his gun an shoots the man in line... He the goes to the next man standing in the line and asks ' Did you see me robbing this bank? ' The man in line looks at him and said ' Heck no, I have never seen you before and I definently didn't see you robbing this bank, But I gotta be honest with you my wife, here, saw everything......!

The Compliment Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

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TAKE DOWN the FEEDER! I bought a bird feeder.

Grandpa A grandfather who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what?" "We didn't see a single dumb bastard or a lousy shit head!"

Puns 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra... 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road." 6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'" 7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 12. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel. 13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" 15. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 16. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 21. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 22. A group of Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the monastery to close down, but they would not. They were doing great business & tax free! He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest vicious thug in town. He trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 23. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis. 24. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. 25. Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?

Heaven A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."

MAN LAW 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. ( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. © After wrecking your boss' car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! ( C'mon, give me one more! Harder! © Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 29: Pull out We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the bals to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion. The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

Texas Chili Contest For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ! (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3) Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 33 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili # 2 Austin 's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer... Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't! feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

The Lawyer The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

CAPTURED REPORTERS Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings signed and declared that he could now die peacefully. Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job until the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now Mr. U.S.Marine, what is your final wish?" Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M-16 rifle and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?" "What!" replied the Marine, "And have you three report that I was the aggressor?"

Blonde Sided One winter morning in Michigan a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered Side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman 's wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman 's wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..." Then the electric power went off. Norman 's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

Lesson in Political Correctness... Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. Furthermore: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 -- She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2 -- She is not "EASY" -- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3 -- She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4 -- She has not "BEEN AROUND" -- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5 -- She does not "NAG" you -- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6 -- She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" -- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 -- He does not have a "BEER GUT" -- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2 -- He is not a "BAD DANCER" -- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3 -- He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4 -- He is not "BALDING" -- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5-- He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6 -- It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Walmart Wine Wal-Mart announced on March 4th, 2008, that it will begin offering customers a new discount item - WAL-MART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1- $3 price range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Montana cowboy A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR #. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. #. Ask to push the button for other people, but push the wrong one. #. Ask, "Did you feel that?" and grab the side rail (if there is one) #. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. #. When the doors close, announce "It's okay, they open again!" #. Swat at flies that don't exist. #. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. #. Tell people that you can see their aura. #. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it. #. Drop a pen and wait until someone picks it up, then yell "ITS MINE!" #. Ask someone on a date then when they reply say "I'm on the phone while pointing to earpiece"

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007 12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long. 10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well. 8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here. 4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now. 3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. And The Number #1 Country Song Is: 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few !

Hangover Ratings * 1-star hangover No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries. ** 2-star hangover No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail. *** 3-star hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once. **** 4-star hangover You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them. ***** 5-star hangover You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently. ****** 6-star hangover You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.