Bonger

Lotto Winner Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home. When he saw his wife he said, I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back. His wife very excitedly ask, "What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes? Dave looked at her and said "I don’t care as long as your are gone when I get home."

Visiting from Alabama To tag birds migrating, the U.S. Department of the Interior used metal bands that bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. Until the agency received the following letter from a visiting Alabama camper: Dear Sirs, While camping in your state last week I shot a few of your birds, followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared

Holidays in the Black Hills A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On holidays in the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago"

Pickup Truck Full of Penguins A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

The Great White Throne Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

Almonds A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Always the Little Details An elderly couple had been dating for some time and they finally decide it's time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the man decides it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “'How do you feel about sex?' he asked hopefully. 'Well' - she says, responding very carefully- 'I'd have to say I would like it infrequently.' The man sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye & casually asked, 'Is that one word or two?'

Donkey Sale Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck is now grown up and works for the government.

The Duck A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.' 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck. 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?' 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?' 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.' The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!' 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.' So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.' 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck. 'That's right,' replies the barman. 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?' 'Yeah,' the barman replies. 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck. 'Of course,' the barman replies. 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck. 'That's right!' says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . 'WTF would they want with a plasterer??!'

UPS worker One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. 'Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'' The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The UPS man laughs and says, 'damn, I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times...'

Performance evaluation gems These are supposed to be actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better." 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 14. "He's been working with glue too much." 15. "He would argue with a sign-post." 16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 28. "One neuron short of a synapse." 29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes." 31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Matthew Modine - Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket Heres one..... "Just smile and wave, boys". "Smile and wave". "Kowalski, progress report!"

Mr. Bear and Mr. Turtle So, Mr. Bear and Mr. Turtle are walking down a trail in the woods. They happen upon a lake, and a golden frog floats up. "Hey, I'm the Golden Frog. I grant wishes. Each of you gets three wishes." So, Mr. Bear, striking upon the opportunity, says "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female." Done Mr. Turtle says "I wish I had a crashing helmet." Done Mr. Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the neighboring forests were female." Done Mr. Turtle says "I wish I had a motorcycle" Done Mr. Bear was busy thinking how stupid Mr. Turtle was being, but wished his last wish "I wish all the other bears in the WORLD were female." Done Mr. Turtle revs up his motorcycle, smirks and says "I wish Mr. Bear was gay" and drives off into the sun.

Backwoods Bar A guy walks into a back woods bar and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." "The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"

Blonde Hunters Two blonde hunters were dragging a deer back to their truck when another hunter happened by. "I don't want to tell you what to do," he said, "but it’s easier if you drag the deer the other way so the antlers don't dig into the ground." After the hunter left, the two decided to try it his way. After a while, one said to the other, "Man that guy was right. This is easier.â€

Pick Me Up A 80 years old guy loves to fish and play golf. One day, he was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!" The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

It's A Southern Thing Georgia: The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.' *************************************************************** Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.' You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!' *************************************************************** Arkansas: A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He aske d the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.' ************************************************************** And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South , but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!

$10 Bet A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...' 'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'but, your money stays where it is.' As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,'Where's the d**n tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence! Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?' The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

Old Man Murphy Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring. other? __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ ___________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _________________________________________________ _____________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi & nbsp; State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating . Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politic s, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting t he Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Spea k the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Famous Catch Phrase Game Each post will contain a famous quote from an actor or actress. Follow up up posts have to identify who's quote it is and include what movie it was from. For example, if the previous post left off with: "Go Ahead. Make My Day" The subsequent post would begin with..... Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry and then add a quote for someone else to guess..... So to start it off I'll begin with: "We're not worthy! We're not Worthy!"

My Living Will Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

Asking for Trouble An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,â€

Plane Crash A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair, a photographer. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle. He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped.... Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this -- and then get me a beer.'