Bonger

Breeding Bulls After living in Calgary, Alberta for 2-1/2 years my wife and I finally went to check out the Calgary Stampede in July and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs... smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year." We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week!.......... You could learn a lot from him." We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow." My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery!

Cowboy Fred A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,. . . . . "the balcony".

Best surgeon in Arkansas Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a Senator from New York.

Christmas Eve Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

Testing time There was an attempt by the US Justice Department to test the comparative effectiveness of the FBI, the CIA and the NYPD by pitting them against each other in a test. To do this, they select three identical forests and into each they set free a particular rabbit to mix with the rest of the rabbit population. Each agency is required to go into its forest and bring back the designated rabbit, dead or alive. The FBI approaches the task by surrounding the forest, torching the place with flame throwers, killing every living thing and then announcing to the Justice Department: "We got the rabbit". The CIA groom an alternative rabbit administration back home, parachute in an elite squad of trained rabbit mercenaries to infiltrate the rabbit military establishment and spread damaging propaganda about the existing rabbit hierarchy, which eventually begins to shake. Following a quick and bloodless military coup, the new military leadership announces "open and fair" elections. The CIA's home-grown alternative administration wins by a landslide and is declared the legitimate and popularly supported government. This government proceeds to intern and torture all opposition, eventually reporting back to the CIA that their designated rabbit has been found and neutralised. When the time comes, the NYPD enters its forest. Within hours, a huge commotion is heard. There is much angry shouting, punching, banging and groans emanating from a dark corner of the forest. Eventually, the commotion dies down and the NYPD emerge with an enormous grizzly bear in tow, hands cuffed behind his back, looking much the worse for wear and pleading: "Okay, I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The Aircraft Carrier

Watergate

Drinking Contest A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

Rings The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.— Mark Russell

Rules of the air 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the

Two wrongs don't make a right Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane..

Fighter Pilot What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Adjacent Seats Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Blonde goes to NYC A blonde buys a plane ticket to New York.

Adjacent Seats Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

When Candy Designs Go Wrong...

Subject: Computer Hard and Software Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. ______________________________________ TECH SUPPORT REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support

Male Restroom Etiquette http://z-studios.com/films/mre/

Robbie Knievel I hear Robbie Knievel's next jump is planned for the Mile High Stadium. He's going to try to jump 15 Democrats with a D9 bull dozer.

Good one Bucky Go !! Flames Go !!

Arkansas Governor Application

The Toothbrush How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in Alabama? - Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".

A Young Indian Boy A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names"? His father said: "When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle. When your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*****g"?

Two Italian Construction Workers Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass? Sexy!