Bonger

The Missionary A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribes noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see whats going on here! The missionary replies, No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion. The chief pauses for a moment then says, Tell you what, you dont say anything about the sheep, I wont say anything about the white baby.

Application to Live in Kentucky Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________ CB Handle Model:_____________________

State of Arkansa Residency Application

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue.

The Perfect Worker 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle.

Mexican Olympic Team How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team? Because all of the Mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U.S.

The Bank Robbery A man walks into a bank and gets into the line to one of the tellers. After a few minutes, he arrives at the teller window where he proceeds to draw out a gun and demands to the teller to give him all the money from her drawer... After the teller gives him the money, he says to the teller that he can not have any witnesses and asks her ' Did you see me rob this bank? ' The teller said ' Yes, I did see you rob this bank! ' at which point the man shoots the teller... He then turns around to the man in line behind him and again asks the same question... 'Did you see me rob this bank ? ' The man said to him ' Yes, I did see you rob this bank! ' and again the man raises his gun an shoots the man in line... He the goes to the next man standing in the line and asks ' Did you see me robbing this bank? ' The man in line looks at him and said ' Heck no, I have never seen you before and I definently didn't see you robbing this bank, But I gotta be honest with you my wife, here, saw everything......!

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear Walter:

The International Rules of Manhood 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. ( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. © After wrecking your boss' car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! ( C'mon, give me one more! Harder! © Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion. The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Nude Nuns Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door.... "Who is it??", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man". So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice boobs sisters, where do you want the blinds?"

Questions and Answers Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT -

Fred Flintstone and Sadam Hussein How where Fred Flintstone and Sadam Hussein alike? Whenever they looked out the window all they seen was rubble.

Redneck Mysteries Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve? Because, The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

God Created Man First Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!

Yo Mama ! "Yo Mama's so fat that when she walks into a KFC to order a bucket of chicken, she orders the one off the roof" "Yo mama is so fat... she sells shade in the summer". "Yo Mama so fat… she walked by the TV and I missed 3 episodes".

Einstein and God Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." "Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Cowboy A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?" No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that." So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside. As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."

12 Shots A guy goes into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

DD Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the driver over, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

Late for Work Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic; you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers." Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it." "That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?" "Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it!" said Tom. "Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss. "They said, 'Good morning, General'."

A guy walks past a mental hospital... A guy walked past a mental hospital and heard a moaning voice: "13...13...13...13..." The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall. He looked through the hole and got poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned: "14...14...14...14..."

A Panda walks into a bar…. A Panda walks into a bar, sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door. After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and calls after the bear: "What the hell did you do that for?" The bear calls back, "I'm a Panda. Look it up in the dictionary." The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary. pan•da [ pándə ] noun. A large mammal with bold black-and-white markings, including black patches over the eyes. Native to central China. Eats shoots and leaves

lol !!

30 Years On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had “chargedâ€