Great Insults...

[JensenPark]

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[BadAim]

Kelly, you are a man of great wit and intelligence, yet you retain the ability to never benefit from it. Thank you for that post, I shall steal every one of them. (and probably use them on you).

[JensenPark]

I love Benjamin Disraeli's comment. classic.

[Jediteo]

If anyone ever played Monkey Island

First line is the insults, Second being the reply

Every enemy I have met, I’ve annihilated.

With your breath, I’m sure they all suffocated.

You’re as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.

I look that much like your fiancee?

Killing you would be justifiable homicide.

Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.

You’re the ugliest monster ever created.

If you don’t count all the ones you’ve dated.

I’ll skewer you like a sow at a buffet.

When I’m done with you, you’ll be a boneless filet.

Would you like to be buried or cremated?

With you around, I’d rather be fumigated.

Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified.

Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.

When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified.

At least mine can be identified.

You can’t match my witty repartee.

I could, if you would use some breath spray.

I have never seen such clumsy swordplay.

You would have, but you were always running away.

En Garde! Touche!

Oh, that is so cliche.

Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated.

Too bad they’re all fabricated.

I can’t rest ‘til you’ve been exterminated.

Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.

I’ll leave you devastated, mutilated, and peforated.

Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.

Heaven preseve me! You look like something that’s died!

The only way you’ll be preserved is in formaldehyde.

I’ll hound you night and day.

Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay!