Texas Chili Cookoff

[Bonger]

Texas Chili Contest

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes

around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio

city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges ! (native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 33 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames.

I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin 's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all

of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,

or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili

an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my

lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me

anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't! feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the

4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,

passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot chili?