Humor Part 387

[Beebop-RIP]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down? "

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Friar]

very good,

on my recent flight home from from spain, the attendant had a similar sence of humor. during the safty announcement he slipped in.

"....masks will drop from the ceiling above you and oxygen is provided free of charge for your use"

[Cold_Gambler]

Seems to be a trendy thing to do... on our flight back to Toronto with WestJet last friday the attendant also cracked wise. Among her comments were "in the event of cabin pressure loss Sandy's telephone number and an oxygen mask will drop down" "if you insist on smoking you must pursue your expensive and filthy habit in the designated areas of the terminal" (!! I was thinking she was pushing her luck with that one) and a series of jokes as we taxied to Terminal 3 at Pearson:

-Why was the bee sad? - Because another took his honey and nectar.

-What's the difference bw God and a pilot? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

-What's the difference bw a jet engine and a pilot? The engine stops whining once it reaches the gate.

Dawn wasn't amused but I found her mildly funny. Our reactions might have a positive correlation with the attendant's bra size, but further study would have to be carried out to determine whether the hypothesis would stand up to scientific scrutiny.

[cannon_fodder]

In the same vein

[Blairgowrie]

Those are really excellent. They are all similar leading one to think they were all written by the same person; probably a DD.

[BBloke]

3rd from last is cool.. reminds me of Colin!!

[smokestack]

sheezzzzzz! you guys AIN'T right, but i luv u all

[fumps]

there class i

[Jabo]

Some more of these...

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.

S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.

S: Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.

S: Wound clock.

[Guest]

Now for a ground good target foe Allies if you see this blow the heck up!

LOL

[Squawk]

Found in the restroom of my old flight school.

"Those pilots with low manifold pressure and/or short props, please taxi closer to the unloading area.

[GreyKnight]

LOL

Good one!

[Strider]

~S~

While taxiing at London's, Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

~S~ and Cheers!

Strider

[hazard1]

nice ones

that woman does sound familier Strider

[Squawk]

After a long flight and coming into a control zone, a pilot keys his mike and says

[Strider]

~S~

Captions welcome!

Strider

[GreyKnight]

The guy at the front of the car says - "No, I'm sorry, I'm going to give you an MOT failure on this one. It was close though... except for that big fooking F-15 you stuck on your roof!"

[Streak]

Preliminary testing of new munitions for the next "police action" the US becomes involved with. Here we can see the attachment points between aircraft & munition being checked.

[gec]

this one is about current world crisys.

what are the only two banks that will survive this world crysis?

- blood bank and sperm bank

and after they merge, the new bank will be called "bloody fkng bank"

[Strider]

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Send 'em up pilgrim...

Sent by a Marine Pilot

In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this... Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up!' Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

===========

"We go down in style. Send 'em up!"

Cheers!

Strider