OT - my favourite Chuck Norris jokes

[JensenPark]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke

the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while

she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his

soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and

admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every

second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned

beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris

smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different

kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30

minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on

Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was

more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck

Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people

dead.

Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the

spelling.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every

popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor,

just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from

"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of

Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have

a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in

every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can

"accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler

did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by

Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact

change.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just

bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly

says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in

the face.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could

chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for

one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked

her into a glacier.

Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed!

15 More Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".

Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he

exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead

decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter

he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the

JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his

beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck

Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and

starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from

drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far

too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift

of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,

jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined

influence

to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of

roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by

yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from

cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also

requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on

his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and

saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is

injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.

This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt

to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck

said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came

back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he

threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with

cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her

a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take

yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my

virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to

put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way

[Blairgowrie]

I think you are losing it Kelly.

[JensenPark]

Tell that to Chuck Norris, punk!

[Blairgowrie]

On second thoughts, I think you have already lost it.

[Waldo.Pepper]

Norris Kicked the Six Million Dollar man and turned him into 24 Million Quarters.

That site is awesome.

[Arsenal]

My favorite is:

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn't get wet. The water gets "Chuck"! :rr:

Kelly, you need to get the Chuck Norris video game!

http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1558.html

[JensenPark]

Chuck Norris can speak Braille

Blitzkrieg translated from German is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

[JensenPark]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard, it's another fist.

The Boogeyman checks under his bed at night for Chuck Norris.

[DZ9]

Chuck Norris won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves

[Quazi]

Chucks the MAN!! I hear he is a tyrant on the set though. He quit doing shows to sell the Total Gym.

[JensenPark]

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

[Blairgowrie]

If a man makes a statement in the woods and no one hears it

Is he still wrong?

[JensenPark]

If a man makes a statement in the woods and no one hears it

Is he still wrong?

Not if he's Chuck Norris, he ain't.