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PapaBear

3. Danger Dogz
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Posts posted by PapaBear

  4. Little Tommy

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    Little Tommy on the farm runs indoors, mummy mummy the bulls f***ing thecow !!

    No Tommy you must be polite and say the bulls surprising the cow.

    Later Tommy runs in again, mummy mummy the bulls surprising all the cows !!

    No Tommy, the bull can't surprise all the cows,

    Yes he can, he's f***ing the horse!

  6. Little Johnny Strikes Again

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

    The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

    The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

    Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

    She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

    Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

    The teacher sat down and cried.

  7. Not Even Close To Being Pc

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

    I woke this morning with a huge correction.

    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....

    she's 21 and her name's Lucy

    My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

    I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

    I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names

    at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

    My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,

    his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

    Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

    I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.

    All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

    Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird

    who doesn't gobble anymore.

    Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

    Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

    'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

    I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

    She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

    Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,

    so I've named him Birmingham.

    I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.

    I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

    Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

    Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

  8. The Pastor's Ass

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    The Pastor's Ass

    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and

    it won.

    The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey

    that he entered it in the

    race

    again and it won again.

    The local paper read:

    PASTOR'S

    ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

    publicity that he ordered

    the

    Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day the local paper headline

    read: BISHOP

    SCRATCHES

    PASTOR'S

    ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop so he

    ordered the Pastor to get

    rid

    of the donkey.

    The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a

    nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

    the following headline

    the

    next day:

    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted.

    He informed the Nun that she would have to

    get rid of the donkey so

    she

    sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

    NUN

    SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the Bishop so he

    ordered the Nun to buy back

    the

    donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run

    wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    The Bishop was buried the next day.

    The moral of the story is . . . being

    concerned about public opinion

    can

    bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your

    life.

    So be yourself and enjoy life.

    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

    you'll be a lot happier

    and

    live longer!

  9. Its Hell To Be Old

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    It's Hell to be Old ... OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

    An 85-year-old man was told by the doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left ... still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

    The old man replied, 'Yep, no matter how hard we tried, none of us could get the jar open.'

  13. The Balloonist

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

    She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

    The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

    'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

    'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

    'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

    The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

    'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

    'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

    The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault.

  24. Sleeping With Mick

    in The World According to CaptJackG

    Posted

    SLEEPING WITH MICK

    The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Mick and comes down to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

    They said, "Man,what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly,i just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guys turn. In the morning,same thing,hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

    They said,"Man, what happened ? You look awefull! He said Man that mick shakes the roof off with his snoring. I watched him all night.

    The third night it was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker,a man's man..The next morning he came down to breakfast bright-eyed

    and bushy tailed.

    "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..They said "Man, what happened?" He said,"well we got ready for bed. I went and

    tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him goodnight on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night.

    WITH AGE COMES WISDOM

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