CaptJackG

HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered.. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

If anyone is interested in a book about the Korean Air War than I would highly recommend Crimson Sky. "The Korea war was a crossroads in military aviation history in Korea's unique combat environment, fascinating and significant battles took place that would profoundly affect the future of air warfare. Crimson Sky examines in detail twenty of the most interestng aerial actions of the war, including the first air rescue of a downed pilot, the Battle of Carlson's Canyon, and some of the most spectacular MIG Alley sorties flown by the F-86 aces. More than exciting accounts of military missons, however,Crimsn Sky is also about the people who flew them, about their experiences and emotions as they performed dangerous duty half a century ago." If anyone would like to read this just send me your address and when I get home I'll mail it to you. It reads pretty fast, 212 pages.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan

MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this...) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;"> <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;">

Subject: FW: Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women And here we go... #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Guns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 　 And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women..... #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.

I just bought the new Electronic Sheep with the add on "edge of cliff" function for that extra pushback. Welcome Navy

Salute BG I've been fortunate to be in aviation and around aviators these last 44 years but I've been really blessed to be included with you and your group of Pilots here with the Dogz. I knew I found the right place the very 1st time I flew with you. Jack

While suturing a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in a squeeze gate working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a POST TURTLE. You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUKAIlOOa30&feature=youtu.be

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

Military Facts Not Commonly Known Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Retired You might enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Retired and history buff. You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to history: 1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese ( China , 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians ( Finland 1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. 2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress. 3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced 'sink us'), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named 'Amerika.' All three were soon changed for PR purposes. 4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than in the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%. 5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Fighter Ace, Hiroyoshi Nishizawa, shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane. 6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down. 7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was piss in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act). 8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort. 9. A German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. 10. Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army. 11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the assault on the island. It could have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

Politically Incorrect Jokes In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa. ================================================= I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children-oriented iPod after realizing that " iTouch Kids" is not a good product name. ================================================== A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets. ================================================== You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools ================================================== A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache" =================================================== Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!! ================================================== Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk .... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.” =================================================== The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

Two Texans Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. "What is it?" Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

An Oklahoma Kid's first Bow and Arrow set. Don't know who wrote this but he has a way with words that makes one visualize being right there beside him. Good read!! Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma!! Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad ass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough “sumbich”. That got boring, so being the 10 yr. Old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). A light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can, so I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. Over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... Not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Author Unknown

The Baptist Preacher & The Texas Cowboy... A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

My music runs from Billy Idol to Glen Miller, Patsy Cline to Black Eyed Peas. My brother told me about this song he heard so I checked it out and ended up buying both of her CD's.

An Inspirational Story Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought... "Damn...I could win this!"

I don't have the counter up but it looks smooth.

Yesterday my brother came by and I was showing him COD. I set up the free flight around London so he could fly around and look at the sights. I set him up in a Spit IIa and after giving him a little guidence he was on his way sightseeing around London. Then he found some big old oil storage tanks and decided to take some shots. After a few shots there is a beautiful explosion followed by a nice fire and black smoke. So while we're admiring his handywork he says he wants to fly thru the fire. Sure, sound fine to me, go for it. So he lines up a nice low track thru the fire, just like the movie Always. Only problem is when he comes out on the other side his pilot is wounded. Hmmmm...I switch to an external view and the poor spit is on fire. Fire coming from the nose and the fabric on both elevators burns off. OOOPPPS.....at least he didn't have to suffer to long before he hit the ground.

I started a Britsh campaign tonight and got in 2 missions. 1st mission found me in a Rotol sitting on the runway in Tangmere starting up. Lead takes off and the 1st flight of 110's attack while I'm trying to get warmed up. They hit the hangars with some big explosions. I see the 2nd wave inbound and am finally able to start rolling as they are dropping their bombs on the field. Lucky for me they miss the runway and I get airbourn. I see them behind me making a right turn so I start a left turn to head off their escape. They are very low, about 600 feet so I'm able to cut them off and start to saddle up behind the last vic. I can see their gunners firing at long range that is pretty ineffective. As I close on the right wingman in the VIC they must be reloading because they've stopped firing. I've got my gun set for 150 yards. I fire a short burst at about 200 aiming for the fuselage. I see my stream cross and hit both wings. A little closer to about 150 and another short burst into the tail and I see the elevator fly off. The 110 pitches up and then the canopy comes off and I see the pilot and gunner jump. I pull up and right then roll left looking to reacquire the 110 group. I find the group and continue the left to come in on the left 110 of the 2 ship formation now. As I start to close I see a Squadron mate closing and firing on the same 110 so switch to the lead. I start to close to 150 and aim for the right engine. 1st burst, good hits, and something is leaking. 2nd burst and more good hits. 3rd burst and I'm a little outside the nacell, the 110 wing fails at that point and he start a right spiral into the ground. The remaining 110's have made the channel now heading for France. I push up to full throttle and give chase. I know my ammo is still good for some more Jerry pounding. I now close on the next trailing VIC and start my attack on the right wingman. I fire my 1st burst at about 200 and again see hits on both wings. Something start to leak from the left side. I close and put in a good burst at 150 into the fuselage. Immediately black smoke comes pouring out. He goes into a right descending turn ending in a big splash. Still with some ammo left I close on the VIC lead. I get some good hits but run out of ammo before I can finish him. I now break off and turn back to England and home. Only problem is I don't know where home is as I didn't pay much attention to the area when I departed and couldn't remember the name of my field. I figure as a DD that I'm exempt from reading the brief. So I wander around the fair countryside until I stumble over a field that looks like a nice place to pop in for a pint. So mission number 2 comes up. Lead tells me to follow him and away he goes while I'm trying to warm up my engine. I get airbourn and lead in nowhere insight. So I decide to learn the terrain around Tangmere so I can find my way home. Next I hear about Ju-87's sighted and not to let them attack the ships. AH-HA...they must be out in the channel somewhere. I head that way and hear lead say not to let them get the 2nd ship. Sure enough, I find a burning ship but no one in sight. It appears that I am all by my lonesome out here. I look around but the sky is empty. I finally turn for home and head for Tangmere which amazingly I find this time. The Captain makes be buy the drinks that night for not keeping up with the flight.

IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS . IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS. IDIOT SIGHTING: I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS. IDIOT SIGHTING When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!" STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE...

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. _______________________________________________ MONDAY: Started my day a 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god—with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring !!! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! ________________________________________________ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me. ________________________________________________ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too! THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late—it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine—which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps!!!! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.. SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun—like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if GOD had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with Diamonds!!!!!!!!!

I think I've got it downloading now.

Title says it all..With the latest delay for the US I would like to get the download from JustFlight.