APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

[Bonger]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless

accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,

and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________

WEIGHT____________

IQ__________

GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________

ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain:

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married

______________________________

If less than your age, explain

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?

__Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?

__Yes __No

C. A waterbed?

__Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?

__Yes __No

E. A tattoo?

__Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring. other?

__Yes __No

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to

you?

______________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________ ___________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend

___________________________________________________

How often you attend

________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers

are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

_________________________________________________ _____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

__________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________

________________________________

Mother's Signature

Father's Signature

_______________________________

________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi & nbsp;

State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and

non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do

not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause

you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by

two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might

watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering

a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at

her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you

cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove

them..

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age

to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off

their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of

your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open

minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to

the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,

and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do

not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter,

I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in

place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me

elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each

other, we should talk about sports, politic s, and other issues of the

day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is

an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my

house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities

to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my

daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you

will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If

you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you

want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter

is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting

t he Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you

do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my

daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a

wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is

dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient

temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank

tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and

a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong

romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain

saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,

middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,

I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you

where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the

truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a

shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake

the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a

rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the

voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for

you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway

you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Spea k the

perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my

daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no

need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is

mine.