bad (but funny) humour

[JensenPark]

OK boys, how is your gaydar meter working ?......

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you

are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys

and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,

and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a

dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches

itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and

whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog ....

"Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now

think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!"

Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any

such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only

sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts,

pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training

to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in

a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's

world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard

one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be strong, black, and full

aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe

Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener

tastes like. If you've had Nutra-Sweet in your mouth, you've had a

man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different

types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free

passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his

brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the

players in the Major leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball,PGA and

NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or

you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY

type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, Forget it, you're

dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the

wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of

the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a

hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,

vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those

is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of

the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in

SHC spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags

when they flame out too.

9. If you belong to a squadron called "The Fist of the Fleet" you are just dying to be fisted no doubt.

[Dubbo]

Crap Kelly, you make me laugh.

[Waldo.Pepper]

I seek guidance wise one. All my comments are truthful. My wife can veryfy if need be.

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you

are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys

and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,

and doing the Oprah diet.

Answer: I don't excercise and have the physique to prove it!

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a

dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches

itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and

whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog ....

"Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now

think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!"

Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

Answer: My Wife has a Cat that I tolerate. I speak to the Cat with my foot when I want it to move or do something. If it could understand English I wouldn't have to communicate with it like that.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any

such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only

sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts,

pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training

to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

Answer: I suck on my Wifes tits. Safe here I think.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in

a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's

world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

Answer: Often enough when my Wife and I are out for a drive I need to piss. So I announce that I think one of the tires is low. So I get out a' check' it. While pretending to check it I take a whiz on it. I have done this with my Wife and her Mother in the car.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard

one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be strong, black, and full

aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe

Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener

tastes like. If you've had Nutra-Sweet in your mouth, you've had a

man there, too.

Answer: I don't drink coffee. I have never had a cup of the stuff. I do drink tea but it is a manly tea. A tea bag per cup with boiling hot water. Leave the bag in while drinking it. GRRRRR.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different

types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free

passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his

brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the

players in the Major leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball,PGA and

NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or

you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY

type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

Answer: Tough one here. I know lots of fancy names for colours. Hate most common televised sports (especially FUCKING GOLF! I FUCKING HATE FUCKING GOLF!) except for Baseball. I stopped watching NASCAR when Dale got killed.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, Forget it, you're

dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the

wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of

the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a

hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

Answer: I need my other hand to flip off all the terrible drivers in this town. I used to drive a stick and even though it is now an automatic my hand still rests there waiting to flip off the others. Everyone in front of me, belongs behind of me.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,

vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those

is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of

the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in

SHC spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags

when they flame out too.

Answer: My favorite film starred some guy called Rocco and was filmed in Prague or something like that.

9. If you belong to a squadron called "The Fist of the Fleet" you are just dying to be fisted no doubt.

Answer: Safe here I think.

I may have taken your post a little to seriously. I guess that makes me gay after all! Fuck!

[BadAim]

Does La Femme Nakita count?

[JensenPark]

Does La Femme Nakita count?

If you liked the Hollywood version better than the original - you're not gay - just dumb.